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Codependent, alone and scared.
January 21, 2004
2:12 am
WeakandPowerlessOverYou
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My wife and I are currently seperated so I can deal with "The Issues". These issues are sexual abuse as a child, a non loving household, a very dominant controlling, mulipulative mother and the enforcement of criticism and self loathing. Having been abused, I have never been able to trust anybody in a relationship and become very defensive, and jeolous when others are around. It drives me crazy. I had spent the last three years building up trust with my wife, I think which was torn from me, when she came home at 4 am in the morning after a work party with two other men, and her hair was different, washed or something. I suffer anxiety, worrying and panic attacks anyway and waiting for her to come home was a nightmare. She had told me she wouldnt drink much and consumed large amounts that night. What was I to think, these gents just gave her a ride home, as they sat in the driveway for over an hour. I dont know, But I am still hurting bad over this and it was almost a year ago.

She has had black outs before after drinking, and after another serious drinking bringe, I let here know, I have had enough and will be leaving if you dont stop drinking.

Anyway anyone out there to talk, Ive got plenty to say, and nobody to talk to.

January 21, 2004
2:17 am
Zinnie
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Hi WAPOY and welcome,

The first positive step you took was realizing the fact that the home you were raised in is not they way it was supposed to have been.

Secondly, you are standing strong in what you will accept in your wife's behavior.

When she came home with the two co-workers, and they were sitting in the drive way, did you go out and see what was going on?

Also, my suggestion first and foremost is to find an Al-Anon meeting near you. You cannot control your wife's drinking, BUT you can control your reaction to it.

Love,

Zinnie

January 21, 2004
6:20 am
WeakandPowerlessOverYou
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Hey Zinnie,

Thank you for the welcome, hello to you and thanks for the suggestions.

They were not her co-workers, sorry not very clear there, but just two men. She said she knew one of them from another job years ago. But is this behaviour seem appropriate to you.

My wife was also aware of my panic attacks, anxiety,depression and said that she done it on purpose because she was lonely for company. I study alot and hoped she would support this but lashed out a few times in drinking bringes.

Zinnie, al anon sounds good, my wife recommended it also, I am getting in contact with a counsellor as well this week, so sessions should be soon.

They were drinking and smoking and all sitting in the vehicle with closed doors.

January 21, 2004
4:44 pm
gashly
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WAPOY
I hope you both can work on your issues together. I hope you both find the strength to help each other. You'll be in my prayers.

January 21, 2004
7:29 pm
free
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Hi W&P

I wish you did not feel so alone.

hugs

free

January 21, 2004
7:33 pm
gingerleigh
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Were spouses not invited to the work party?

January 22, 2004
1:24 am
Zinnie
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I don't like your "nick name" sorry... so perhaps just "YOU" - more positive? Feel free to tell me to stuff it too if you like!

Now... regarding your question - does this seem appropriate to me? No, it does not. Not saying that anything happened, but yes, sorry to me I would be very angry as well.

It could have been simple enough. When I was a little over 19, I went to a party that some people from school were having. I had way too much to drink, and I had driven there. The bad thing was that I only ended up knowing about two or three people at this party; and I should never have put myself in that position. But, I did - don't forget - I was 19 and brilliant.

Anyway, luckily two guys that were at the party, that I did not know actually were responsible enough to take my purse and keys from me, and drive me home. One drove, the other followed in their car. THANK GOD! What if they had not been just nice guys? I shudder to think of what might have happened.

It sounds like you love her, and you are well aware of what you are dealing with, both with her and with your own issues. Definitely check into Al-Anon and counseling.

Also... we are here for you if you need a shoulder.

Zinnie

January 22, 2004
2:08 am
WeakandPowerlessOverYou
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Thanks Zinnie,gingerleigh,gashy and free for your suggestions and support.

No spouses were not invited to the party.

Z, I will change my name, I try to be positive so my new nickname name will be "Riverman".

Thanks

January 22, 2004
2:32 am
Zinnie
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Hey...

Don't take me to heart there, we are only supposed to have one nickname - one of the guidelines!

Just... your nickname does not fit you, or at least that I can see. Although you realize that in fact you are "Weak and Powerless Over You" - in reading your posts, to me you show lots of strength.

Z.

January 22, 2004
11:08 am
gingerleigh
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I *think* you're allowed to change your nic if you let the SC know first and explain why.

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