September 29, 2010
Im in the beginning stages of my own self awareness, recovery, whatever the correct term is. I came to terms with being codependent a couple months back in therapy. That alone was a big shock for me. A couple weeks ago my therapist and I came to the conclusion that my BF is a narcissist.
Of course Ive been reading a LOT on both subjects. Today, on another post Garfield posted some very indepth information on narcissism, and its hit me very hard. Okay...Im in shock to say the least. How can a codependent and a narcissist EVER work things out? It seems totally hopeless to me. Ive been living in this cloud of "not knowing what the future will hold" for my BF and I, and well..thats been working for me.
I understand I can only change myself, and have been working hard to understand myself and why I do the things I do. But now....after learning even more about narcissism, it seems to me like there just isnt any way he and will ever work things out. Narcissists rarely seek help from what Ive read, because they dont think they have any problems. If thats true, then no matter what I do, or how I change myself, we are doomed. Am I understanding this correctly?
Ive had 20 years of this man in my life. I walked out on my marriage of 13 years to be with him, and it was all for nothing??? No matter what I do things will NEVER improve? he was my first love, and even during my marriage he never let me be. I believed I was his one and only. I did horrible things to my ex husband just to be with this man who I can never have a good relationship with?????
September 24, 2010
September 30, 2010
I hope for you that it can, but in my experience, it didn't. My ex-BF was a narcissist & also had some other sociopathic traits and I am most definitely codependent. He and I broke up a little over a month ago. The actual break up was triggered because he was cheating on me AGAIN but his cheating is an outgrowth of his narcissism. He would tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me but his ego needed to be validated externally so he would never stop cheating (physically or just through extreme flirtation, internet relationships etc). I am completely devastated because I loved him and, as a cd, I did everything for him. He is also an alcoholic which completely fed my cd issues. I am trying so hard to make myself feel better by accepting that he is a narcissist & that narcissists don't change so I am better off that we ended things now, but there is a little part of me (I am sure the cd part) that feels like if I had just been more supportive, more loving, more whatever, he would have changed eventually. But I have to believe that this just isn't true. How long have you and your bf been together? How do you know he is a narcissist? Does he have other personality issues?
September 24, 2010
The answer is....
If your boyfriend merely has narcissitic tendencies...and we all do, then there is a chance.
If your boyfriend has fully blown NPD, then you need to understand: He does not love you and he never will. He hates you and will destroy you if he has the chance,
As a "codependent" person, it is your way to try to "help" people. IF you act on that impulse with a true narcissist then your mental and physical health will be eroded until you are a wreck.
I'm sorry, but there is no cure, or even anything like an effective treatment for malignant narcissism available now. The state of the art is just not good enough.
IF your boyfriend is really an NPD person (actually only 1.0 % of the population fits that description--it is a fairly rare disorder) then you have to choose: do you want to live and grow and enjoy your life, OR do you want to become mentally ill, and perhaps die.
You can't diagnose psychiatric disorders without a psychiatrist. You CAN diagnose abuse, however.
IF you find that you are in an abusive realtionship then there is one way and only one way that you can remain in a realtionship with that person and come out of it whole and healthy. That is if your boyfriend says "I realize I have been abusing you, that I am an abusive person, and I am committed to doing the work I have to do to change myself into a person worthy of being with you or with anyone."
If that is not his position, then I recomend that you run for your life.
September 30, 2010
Worried_Dad and the others are quite correct. A little over two months ago, I separated from my wife, who is both BPD and NPD. Like you, I am very codependent. The combination of NPD and codep in a relationship is toxic. After years of trying to work out the issues, I finally had to "run for my life". You might want to take a hard look at your situation and decide if you're able to do the same. There's really no other solution.
Have a wonderful Christmas,
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