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Can't sleep without him…..

UserPost

7:09 pm
September 5, 2004


luvlee

New Member

posts -1

Hi All,
I am brand new to the board. I came surfing on in after googling "co-dependancy". I am pretty aware of co-depancy being *one* of my major emotional issues. Unfortunately, even the cheapest therapy is too expensive to go to more than every couple of months.

So, I just moved out of my boyfriend's apartment a week ago. We have a healthy relationship besides his financial issues and my emotional issues and even though it is an adjustment, I realize that we are better off living apart.

Anyways, on to my subject, the reason why he asked me to move out was because we got into a ridicualous fight over the fact that he didn't come to bed when he said he would. (this was a reocurring isse)

I have come to realize that one of my co-dependant issues is that when I live with my boyfriend I can barely ever sleep until they come to bed.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If I were to take a stab I would assume it has something to do with my abusive father.

10:05 pm
September 5, 2004


m3talc0re

New Member

posts -1

Well, I can't sleep without my g/f, so I know where you're coming from. I just spent a little over two weeks without her and only got 1.5-3 hours of sleep per night. I don't underdstand it all that much. I just know that when she's not in the bed with me, she's all I can think about it keeps me up.

11:27 pm
September 5, 2004


InPainZHT

New Member

posts -1

funny, the first several nights after I was dumped, that was exactly about as much sleep as I got… 1 – 3 hours.

A glass or two of wine did wonders afterwards. I sleep better now.

inPain

1:23 am
September 6, 2004


BabyJane

New Member

posts -1

YES!!!!

I don't live with my boyfriend but he stays here more nights than he stays at his house. I HATE it when he says he might come over. It drives me nuts. I lie there waiting. Will he, won't he? Where is he… what is he doing?…does he miss me? Will he go home or won't he….blah,blah,blah!

I put my foot down last week (In a not very pretty way) and told him I couldn't handle it any more. He either stays or he doesn't but he can't leave me hanging.
I don't understand my behavour. I think its time we reclaimed our beds! I guess there is no other distractions in bed. Our minds are free to (shock horror) think! Never a good idea.

Welcome to the site sweetie. I hope you are getting some sleep. Sorry I'm not much help!

11:37 am
September 6, 2004


luvlee

New Member

posts -1

Wow – it's good to hear that others can relate. This problem make me feel like a child even though I am old enough to be a mother.

m3talcore,
Do you think it is the fact that you g/f is not physically next to you that is keeping you up or are you also thinking about problems you may be having in your relationship?

InPainZHT,
I hear ya on the wine thing – although I have read that alcohol doesn't always allow you healthy sleep. If I don't end up drinking on a particular evening I have found that melatonin also helps.

BabyJane,
How long have you and your b/f been together? My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. When I was sleeping at his house more than my house we were finding that we were spending more quantity than quality time together.

Have you two discussed the co-dependancy issue you have? It sounds like he could be more sensitive to your emotional struggle by making more concrete plans with you.

I couldn't agree with you more about being left alone with our thoughts. It's the reason why I have feared living alone for so long – but I am doing it because I know it's the only way.

Thanks for the welcome. =)

12:13 pm
September 6, 2004


Purefaith18

New Member

posts -1

I have a similar problem with a boyfriend I'm used to sleeping next to. When he doesn't come over at night, I stare at my phone and wonder why he's not calling when I want him to. The thing is, codependency makes it hard to recognize someone else's space. When I remember that I've slept alone before and I can do it again, my head hits the pillow and I'm out. Don't depend on his presence to reassure you. Learn to stand (or sleep) alone

12:58 pm
September 6, 2004


FoolMeThrice

New Member

posts -1

I now sleep on the couch. The bed is too cold and empty with just me in it.

1:19 pm
September 6, 2004


workinonit

New Member

posts -1

Welcome luvlee, it's always good to see new writing and thoughts on this board.

When I first left me recent ex, almost 5 months ago, I went through the same thing. Then I bought myself a new bed!!! Awesome queen size, pillow top, yea man!!!! I haven't had a bad night sleep since. I think it was sort of reclaiming something I lost in the relationship and I am so tired of not liking being alone. So now I just pray to feel good about me.

3:02 pm
September 6, 2004


readyforachange

Member

posts 6

Yeah, I can relate. I really can't sleep until everyone else in the house is asleep. Now that my son is a teenager, it's hard to wait until he falls asleep because he stays up so much later! I guess I feel like I have to protect everybody…I don't know. I'm also a very light sleeper, and wake up at the drop of a hat. Does this sound normal for a codependent? I don't know why, but when I read your post, I thought maybe my sleeping patterns had something to do with my codependence. Never considered it before. Good topic.

11:30 pm
September 6, 2004


luvlee

New Member

posts -1

purefaith18,
Your words are crystal clear to what I know in my heart. I am happy to say that I have now been learning to stand and sleep alone for a little over a week. Thank for the support.

Foolmethrice,
How long have you been on the couch? Do you plan on going back?

workinonit,
I am finally starting to get tired of not liking being alone too. I am very much for taking personal responsibility for my life but I don't think that the society we live in exactly preaches the joys of solitude either.

readyforachange,
I am also a light sleeper as well. I never thought about it being tied to emotional issues but I think you might have something there…

2:01 am
September 7, 2004


BabyJane

New Member

posts -1

Hi luvlee

I have been with my BF for about a year. I have told him about my co-d issue. I think he gets it. He doesn't want to have to check in with me about his every move. I understand that but I need to know when it effects me and my plans! I hope things get better. The last time he didn't tell me what he was doing he apologised. I guess thats a start!

I think you are right about the quality/ quantity thing. I always say to him we need more time apart but I never stick to it. How did you do it?

10:28 am
September 7, 2004


luvlee

New Member

posts -1

Babyjane,
What has worked for my b/f and me is to only see eachother when we make plans. All the other time we are free to do as we choose.

For instance, I made him dinner at my place twice last week. He hung around for a little while after and we chatted and drank wine. Once we got sleepy I told him that I was going to bed and to have a good night. Yes, it would have been nice to go him with him and sleep in his bed but I would have had to wake up earlier to drive home and get ready. And it would have been nice for him to stay but he goes to bed much later than me.

So he went home because we need to do what is right for us as individuals right now.

As another example, we have both been tight money-wise for a while which was causing us to hang around the house watching cable which we both agree is NOT quality time. So yesterday we walked around the city for a bit and then rented a movie.

It's all about boundaries and standards for us right now.

12:55 am
September 8, 2004


BabyJane

New Member

posts -1

Thanks luvlee
I'll give it a go.

Have a great day!!

2:24 pm
September 8, 2004


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

When I was married my husband and I went to bed at different times. He felt sleepy way too early for me and I like to stay up late. There was not an issue for us. I think its co-dependent if you can't sleep withpout your boyfriend going to bed at the sametime you do. He may have a different biological clock. Its real sad to break up for this reason if the relationship was otherwise healthy. You mentioned abuse from your father being a factor. That sounds real important to explore with a therapist so you can get over your need for your boyfriend to go to bed at the same time you do.


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