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Abuser/narcissist wants no contact and then harasses

UserPost

11:48 pm
July 25, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

ke_char
25-Jul-06

I began to research Narcissism about 4 months ago because my boyfriend's behavior reminded me of my mother. He blamed me for everything and he has told me a countless number of times that I have to change, and when he does not get what he wants he has been nasty, hurtful and critical, & he has often told me that he thinks woman are predatory and out to suck the life's blood from men (THIS IS A RED FLAG..IF YOU HEAR THAT RUN FOR THE HILLS)…on June 16, we went to a wedding together and on the way home he became surly and rude. After we got home the situation escalated and he made numerous comments that I was worthless, that he hoped my ex husband would use every legal means necessary to take my daughter away. The now ex NBF has been barred by the courts from regular visitation with his own two children after he was evaluated by a psychiatrist. He has refused to tell me the diagnosis. He has to see them with a social worker present. Anyway, I told him to leave my apartment and take any of his belongings with him. (At the wedding 2 friends had approached me and told be basically to get rid of him, his behavior was that negative) That was the last time I saw him. He told me by email that he wanted no contact, but then began demanding things he left at my house. A movie and bottle of cologne. I ignored him and refused to send them. He then escalated his demands saying he wanted those two things and that he also wanted a replacement for a bootleg dvd I accidently broke 2 years ago. He wanted it replaced with a brand new dvd, AND, he wanted an email retraction of anything negative I had said about him. In emails I have told him I want no contact. He claimed in his emails that he wants nothing more to do with me but he also continued to demand that I pay for things that he claimed I owed him, I refused again and he became threatening in his emails. Why would this jerk demand no contact and then make all these demands? I informed him that I wanted no more contact and that I would contact the police if his emails continued. He promptly stopped when I threatened with the police (that was on 7/4/06). I am sure this guy is a narcissist…why would he agree to no contact and then present a list of demands? That was the oddest behavior yet…that along with a forged email that "forwarded" to me, which has my name as the sender. The email Threatens HIM. ( I have verified through abuse@yahoo that it was fake.) I told him that it was criminal to tamper with email and I would definitely go the police. That finally drove him off… Why would this nut want no contact and then harass me? What are the chances he will start again? I want to get rid of his stuff, but his escalating demands concern me. This guy lives in my building…we have not actually seen each other since 6/17/06 and NO contact since 7/4, but I am worried. Any advice?

7:12 am
July 26, 2006


Robert123

New Member

posts -1

ke_char, until there is more distance between you guys he will always be lurking around the corner. Have you looked up 'Borderline personality disorder'? It sounds like he might have some overlapping issues. Be careful.

8:22 am
July 26, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

What makes you think of borderline? I have thought, schizoid and vindictive definitely. I chased him off by threatening with the police, but that was only after he initiated contact to be controling and abusive

6:34 am
July 27, 2006


Robert123

New Member

posts -1

He seems to have a lot of the common traits of borderlines. If he is, it can go together with narcissism and make for a real toxic time.

8:18 am
July 27, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I agree totally with Robert. Borderline Personality Disorder frequently overlaps with narcissism (they are part of the B-cluster of mental illnesses). My ex-fiance was borderline/narcissist. He used to rage that he did not want to ever see or hear from me again, but I was expected to contact him and make the peace within one or two days of his constant rage erupations. This last round, I stepped back after he severed our engagement with great cruelty. Instead of trying to "fix" it, I blocked him on my phone and email, advised his family up north that he had chosen to end the engagement and have maintained No Contact with him. How did he react? He tried to hire my OWN lawyer to sue me for return of the engagement ring (under the law in my State, it belongs to me as a "gift"). Then, he contacted the pastor of my church and tried to get me in trouble there, as well. He is talking about me behind my back, saying I am mentally ill, etc. All lies, of course. This enraged abandonment, followed by frantic attempts to lash out at you and have any sort of contact with you at all (even "negative") is classic borderline behavior.

Here is a good link for learning more about BPD:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.shtml

11:49 am
July 27, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I am going to "bump" this up, so that ke_char gets the link for BPDcentral.

= Strong

8:18 am
July 28, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

Thanks. I will look at the site.

11:56 am
July 28, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Let me know if it helps. There are other free, online resources I can steer you to, as well as some excellent books on relationships with borderlines and narcissists.

- Strong

7:43 pm
July 28, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

StronginHim77…thanks for the advice. I have a bottle of his cologne and a tape, which I am going to return. The other demands I will ignore. I want No Contact. I never thought of it as enraged abandonment. He demanded no contact and said, I am leaving you alone now send me my things and do the other things also…

8:10 pm
July 28, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

ke_char…

Enraged abandonment. That's exactly what it is. Of course, be prepared for him to "flip" and want you back again. They do that, alot. And then, the abuse is even worse than before. All part of the "devaluation and discard" process.

Check out this website. It will help you enormously tonight.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/betweendevalueanddiscard.msnw

10:27 am
July 29, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

Anyway, my ex N.BF contacted me last night. It was to tell me to mail him his stuff, and then he wanted to talk about himself. Of course. He wanted to update me on what he was doing. My response was, "I do not care." He went on and on about going back to school, and he belittled my accomplishments. I told him that I would always hold the fact against him that when I got my undergraduate degree, he belittled it. Then he said, "I am proud of you." My response was, "sorry, you are a day late and a dollar short." He was actually looking for APPROVAL from me. He wanted me to pat him on the back for applying to schools. I laughed at him. My ex NBF is apparently going to try and finish his undergrad in an internet program. My response was, "of course that is what you are going to do. Your ego is too fragile to handle the challenge of a normal classroom." I also made some comment about the fact that he was a mediocre man, with a mediocre intellect who thought his mediocre accomplishments made him a superhero. (meow)

He kept trying to bring the conversation back to sex…(they are so self centered, to state the obvious)…Firstly, I told him since we were not in a relationship it was a topic I would not discuss, and secondly, that I had no interest in ever having sex with him again. He called me a liar and said I enjoyed it….(he makes queasy)…I said no, in fact he was boring and self centered, and without feelings it (sex) was just mechanical…and he was inadequate. Now I know that I was giving him negative NS, but I also know how fragile his ego is and that I injured him. We had not spoken in over a month and he was trying to get the SNS he had been missing. He refused to let me drop his stuff (movie and cologne) on his doorstep again and insisted that I mail it and if I did not he said, "then I will know what kind of person you are." I completely frustrated him at every turn and refused to give anything in the conversation. After it ended…I took his things put them in a shopping bag and left them in front of his door, which he specifically did not want me to do, because he officially lost control. He was going to drag this out forever as an excuse to contact me. I wrote a note saying, "Your opinion does not matter because you do not matter….. Here is your crap, I will not play your game. I want nothing more to do with you. Never contact me again." Ok. There were some additional choice comments, but I concluded by saying, "you wanted abandonment, thus you have it without any disagreement from me." I think he expected me to pursue him and beg…etc. etc. etc. but I just refused. All the energy I gave him…what I waste. I officially relinquished engaging with him in any way. My plan is to invest it in my life, since all we do when we engage with them is give away pieces of ourselves. I did include a line in reference to Greek mythology…"Chronos ate his children out of fear of competition, not unlike you who wants to suck the life out of everyone around you and give nothing in return."

I think I have assured myself a LONG respite…and I hopefully will never have to deal with him again.

2:00 pm
July 29, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I am pretty sure you have not heard the last from him. Be prepared for a counter-attack. A vicious one. These guys are masters at "smear" campaigns.

Fortunately, they have few friends, so very few people will believe them.

- Strong

2:08 pm
July 29, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I am pretty sure you have not heard the last from him. Be prepared for a counter-attack. A vicious one. These guys are masters at "smear" campaigns.

Fortunately, they have few friends, so very few people will believe them.

- Strong

9:56 pm
July 30, 2006


ke_char

New Member

posts -1

Strong….excellent forsight……..

It is scary that one can meet such astute and empathic people here and then we have to go and deal with the N. I wish THIS were a dating site. Anyway, my best friend called me. He got a call from my ex NBF who launched into a soliloquy about how I was HARASSING HIM. I love my friend. He interrupted the ex. and said, "Did you get your *hit." (the cologne and movie left on the doorstep) My best friend said this was important since I had no proof. My ex NBF went on a tangent and my friend said, "No that is not what I asked, I wanted to know if you got your *hit." The ex began to ramble again and said "I have no idea what you are talking about." My friend said, "there is no point to this conversation. Bye." and he hung up on him. Of course I called the ex NBF like an idiot and he said, I read your message. My message was, "Fine you broke up with me. No argument. Promise you will never contact me again, can we agree on this? By the way, I do not and have not loved you for over a year. " Well of course this irritates him. I really choke on boosting their egos, which is a real deficit of mine. I love thinking of the N. ego as a balloon I have pierced with a pin…and I watch the air slowly seep away. Alright. So right now I have issues. Deservedly so. Anyway, this man-boy started lecturing me about not burning my bridges and how I needed to appreciate what he brought to a relationship. ….I think I may have hit my head because I lost it….and I screamed…you little *icked wonder, I cannot stand you, I won't waste the energy hating you, but there is no nostalgia on my part. Go away get on with you "LIFE" and promise me you will not feel nostalgia and ever call me again. I have not loved you for over a year, since I have done the analysis I know I am far better off. THis is the best thing that could happen to me. Now you do not exist to me and my family and if you and I are in the same place in the building…you do not exist to me.!!!" Okay ..there were a few more swear words….and then he said "you are so unbalanced, there is something wrong with you…yatta yatta yatta." Do I need a sledgehammer and an electric steak knife to tell him that I am not AVAILABLE for future supply???? Look not to be condescending, but we are all a rather articulate and well written bunch…my own N. is rearing its head…anyway this guy would go on bizarre rants, and talk about how everybody wanted to sleep with him after we left a party, and then he wants to be MR. RATIONAL in a conversation…all to preserve me as SNSS or PNSS for his future…cause trust me… I wanted to throw up. He is water seeking his own level and I see a sewer in his future….I know I am angry, ranting and irrational but I am here which means I am not with HIM….that must mean something. Additionally, I have not TRIED to assuage his reactions, emotions or tried to be with him again…I must have grown a little…..BABY STEPS. I need some support…

11:38 pm
July 31, 2006


Ladeska

New Member

posts -1

You know, I sit here and read this just out of curiosity but I have to remember that – we're raised on the movies and the stories and how charming and glorified narcissists are and we wonder why – we're drawn to them?

Well – they need food. Pretty simple. We have to keep the sheep dumb and stupid and plentiful.

They are the ones with no conscience, who do the dirty deals in life, don't think twice about it and will give you eh…what a couple of hours of wild passionate love and everything you ever wanted to hear for what? 300 hours of abuse? Seems like a fair trade to me.

But we go wrong when we see it for what it is and then we pick up the phone and "listen" and engage and think about what they said, etc., etc.

I mean if you label a cobra a cobra, so like why do you go and pick it up and put it near your face or that of your child?

When you first recognize what's what – you don't need to do any flirting what – that – ever again. It needs to be over, right then, right there.

No drama, no conversations, no – Um, let me think about that, or maybe you have a point, blah, blah, blah. They will always mix some truth with alot of lies and that hooks us. Soooo like they won't be smart enough to do that or what? Especially when you've given them a roadmap of how to do that and what to say and what to be – already.

But we're taught from a very small age to "keep giving out chances", get out of jail free card, etc. They can change, it's our duty to change them, to pray harder for them, to be a better martyr, blah, blah, blah. I hate to say it but that is soooo much crap.

If someone is a snake – see it, get away from it and that's the end of it, period. Otherwise, you're like a moth being drawn to a flame and in the end they will hate you because you – can be had – so easily and you keep coming back for more.


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