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A very touchy subject

UserPost

9:58 pm
January 22, 2006


Anon_person

New Member

posts -1

hello, i am new here.
i hope people here will be supportive and as non-judgemental as possible.
i have found child porn on my boyfriend's computer (the computer that we share).
i have deleted and emptied the trash.
i am freaking out. we have a good relationship, with the usual ups & downs, and minor arguements a couple has.
we have a good sex life and are pretty "sex positive" and non-judgemental about consensual & normal adult porn.
but never children. never child porn.

he was sexually molested as a young boy by his older brother. he only told me once and he said he had never told anyone before. he never speaks of it. it is taboo to bring up.

he is friends with his brother now, whom i have met and is a pretty okay guy.

they were raised (with a sister too) by a single, alcoholic mother. my boyfriend (and i'm sure his siblings) was neglected, though not sexually or physically abused by his mother.

i believe he has unresolved issues about his poor childhood, and specifically about being molested, that is being played out by him downloading child porn.

i am very disturbed by what i found, and i'm scared to confront him though i know i must.

i know, when he gets home soon, that i must tell him what i found, and tell him it is not acceptable. i don't mind him looking at regular porn as we occasionally do. but this is completely over the line. not healthy. dangerous. sick and unnacceptable.

i know that i must tell him that he must seek counseling to work on his childhood abuse issues, and to work on what is driving him to look at child porn.

but i am scared and nervous to bring this up because our relationship is good and this has just thrown a huge wrench into things.

i want to forget about it, and be in denial but i am so confused and scared.

i read some stuff on this website about pedophiles and i read where some studies show that looking at child porn may increase the chance of actually doing it.

i don't believe he has ever done it (there are no children close enough to us for an opportunity). i have not seen any other signs of him possibly actually doing this.

i'm not sure what i want from anyone reading this. maybe just kind words of support. or have any of you been through this before?

thank you for taking the time to read this.
i hope no one gets mad for me bringing up this taboo subject on your forums.

10:24 pm
January 22, 2006


Guest

posts

Hi anon. You're right that you can't stand by and do nothing, since possession of child porn is illegal.

I have some problems with what you call
"consensual & normal adult porn" because I discovered that my exbf was using it to such a compulsive extent that I believe he qualified as a sex addict. It played a big role in our breakup.

However, to address your own question, how about calling a women's center and getting some ideas about how you can bring this up with your bf in a way that's most likely to have a constructive result.

It's probably better if you can talk with someone who has some expertise about this in person, or on the phone, before you confront him. Even though you say you have a good relationship, I still think it would help for you to get some expert input to help you become less "freaked out" about it.

Good luck with it. I think your instinct is correct that it isn't going to work for you to pretend not to know.

10:38 pm
January 22, 2006


orangeboy

New Member

posts -1

hi anon.

would you say that you two have good communication?

i think that it is imperative that you bring up the subject, and as soon as possible. i think its possible to do so in a way that he wont immediately get defensive too. maybe let him know that you dont think badly of him about it, but that you're really concerned, and would like for him to work on it, starting with talking to you about it.

hope this helps,
oboy

1:18 pm
January 23, 2006


Anon_person

New Member

posts -1

thank you kroika and orangeboy for your support and encouraging words. i did talk to him about it last night, and let him know that i love him and support him and don't hate him for it, but that it is not acceptable and that he needs to talk to counselor about his issues.
he was embarrassed and felt ashamed, and acknowledged that it was wrong and that he has some issues. he says he has only looked at that stuff a couple times out of curiousity. i believe him because i am more computer savvy than him and have checked the computer over the months to see what he looks at.
he did not actively "save" the offensive material, he just forgot to delete it out of the temporary internet downloads folder (which is where i found it).
as for consensual adult porn, i don't think porn is inherently bad. we occasionally watch porn together and i personally believe it's okay to do as long as you don't become addictive or compulsive (or illegal!!) about it.
i realize men have more of a tendancy to use it addictively, but i'm not so concerned about that with my boyfriend. sometimes he looks at porn and sometimes he doesn't.
what concerned me was the content of these particular files.
anyhow, we are going to seek counseling together, and i will continue to look in the secret places on the computer where i know to look to make sure his is not carrying out a secret pattern.
again, i appreciate both of you responding. i was pretty upset last night, but i am glad we talked about it and are going to do something about it.
thank you

2:04 pm
January 23, 2006


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

You really don't know how honest your boyfriend is being given all the shame he probably feels.

It sounds like he's trying to down play looking at the child porn site by saying he was only curious and looked at it a few times.

This is a very serious matter as you know. Part of the problem is that sometimes people who have been sexually abused as a child have no control over sexually abusing a child. It puts them at risk of acting on their feelings.

I learned a lot about this because I had a boyfriend long ago before the internet that was sexually abused as a child. He actually acted on it at least twice with pre-teens.

No one would ever know he had done this by looking at him or taking to him. They can really be good at covering it up.

When he told me this I insisted that he see a specialist right away if I am to stay in the relationship.

This he did.

The psychiatrist said that my bf would regress to the child's age so when he touched another child inappropriately he felt it was o.k. because they felt like they were all the same age.

I think your bf needs more than marriage counseling which I doubt will help him. he needs to see someone who specailizes in his problem.

Your bf needs to heal his childhood wounds around being sexually molested if there's to be any hope for him to overcome this and reduce the chances of him acting on it.

This was part of the reason I left the relationship. I felt that if I had a child with him I could never trust him to be a lone with our child.

3:06 pm
January 23, 2006


artist 2

New Member

posts -1

Not only is child porn unspeakable in moral terms, it is illegal. If you share this computer with him, he is endangering you. Are you going to stand for it?

3:06 pm
January 23, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Dear Anon:

My former boyfriend was sexually abused as a child. I was the first person that he told about it.

To understand, I did a lot of reading including:

Mike Lew, Victims No Longer

Mic Hunter: Abused Boys

and a wonderful article at

http://www.jimhopper.com/pdfs/Lisak_(1994)_Male_Survivor_Interviews.pdf

I shared this material with my former boyfriend and encouraged him to seek counseling.

I agree with the others that your boyfriend needs to seek help for the abuse the sooner the better.

It will be helpful for your to read the material as well.

Wishing you the best.

Moon & Stars

5:05 pm
January 23, 2006


Guest

posts

Hi, anon. I'm glad to see that others have shared some useful advice. I agree with kathygy that your bf could be downplaying things; and I don't like the idea of you "secretly policing" him by checking up on the computer. That's putting yourself in a very codependent dynamic with him.

I'm not sure why you are seeking counselling together as opposed to him getting counselling separately for his issue.

I wish you both well… hope you find good help and support and can heal this wound.

5:18 pm
January 23, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

It is amazing how much people out there put up with things they normally would not take part of in order not to rock the boat with the relationship. If you are with a person who is doing something morally wrong and you do nothing, than you are an enabler and going against your own standard in order to please someone else. This is not fair. You have a perfect right to be angry. My ex has a addiction to sex and in the early stages I have to admit that I didn't seem to care when he admitted to porn, mag and internet and the fact that he was a woman chaser. Now that it is over, now that I am working on myself, I could never be in a relationship with a man who looks at porn or at other woman or a man who in past has cheated. I put up with it because I was in love and not thinking. That is what I mean by tolerance. I tolerated and use the excuse that I loved him to justify it. I hope he can work out his issues.

7:16 pm
January 23, 2006


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

Does anyone know, if you know of someone consuming child porn are you obligated to report that person to the authorities? If that's true, Anon, you could be implicated. Please check the laws, protect yourself!

7:26 pm
January 23, 2006


Guest

posts

Good point, Gingerleigh. Maybe it's akin to receiving stolen goods.

I certainly know that teachers and health care workers are obliged to report child abuse… and child porn is child abuse, isn't it?

7:56 pm
January 23, 2006


Shaney

Member

posts 4

That doesn't seem quite right to me but I may be mistaken. People look at adult porn on websites all day long, but that doesn't mean they're rapists, right? I think you have to commit the actual act on a child before you can be turned in.

My mom was also involved with someone a few years back who viewed child porn. She came across it on his computer the same way that you did and flipped out. He was in law enforcement of all things and lied about EVERYTHING like there was no tomorrow. It wasn't long after that whole thing that she was done with this guy. My point, is that how could she be considered an accessory to any of this by just coming across child porn sites on HIS computer. Now if the pics on his computer were his OWN personal shots, then that's another story. I'm almost certain that you can't be implicated as well, unless there is an actual crime committed….. can you? Now you have me thinking. Hmm.

Hopefully in therapy, your bf can get to the root of his problem and overcome any tendencies. This is a scary thing to say the least, and I'm glad that you were up front with him by confronting this issue. See where it goes from here. Let us know how you're doing and good luck.

8:03 pm
January 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

Hi anon,

This is my advice and opinion, straight from the heart, having experienced being married to and divorcing a pedophile….

YOU ARE AT A CROSSROADS IN YOUR LIFE. Either you sit back and do nothing and a few years down the road you discover that he has molested a number of children and you now have a child by him, WHO WILL BE MOLESTED BY HIM,

OR……………

You pick up your phone call the police and tell them, "I want to report some child porn that my BF downloaded on my computer."

Then you get away from him ASAP. This is a criminal act. You Do NOT talk to him, communicate with him; nothing, you owe him nothing. YOU must let the police do their job. The consequences of his actions will either stop your bf from going further into the world of pedophilia and damaging innocent lives or he will continue on this road and end up serving time after damaging innocent children.

Doing nothing is a choice that WILL DAMAGE INNOCENT LIVES. There is NO DOUBT about that. You will have to live with that knowledge & the guilt for the rest of your life. Doing nothing, minimizing the seriousness of this, ignoring it, hoping for the best means you are willing to risk the innocence of your future children by giving them a father who is interested in pedophilia. Doing nothing means giving your future children an extended family that contains a known perpetrator of a sex crime against a child (your bf's brother).

Please, go out and do the right thing. This is some serious sh*t. DO NOT TAKE IT LIGHTLY.

~~bonita

PS In my opinion, you do not have to tell your bf anything, talk to him, communicate with him. Something like this should nail the coffin shut forever on any possible future you thought you had with him. Call the police and get away from him ASAP. Studies show that pedophiles do not change.

8:57 am
January 24, 2006


hopeful for change

New Member

posts -1

I agree with bonita. I am sorry but I think you are in denial. This could be or will be hurting innocent children. This really angers me, the kids in these videos are VICTIMS so they are continuing to be VICTIMS.

I was a child of molestation and I was afraid growing up that maybe I would ever feel some feelings like this, but never did. It repulses. It makes me want to throw up to think of any person doing this.

I can personally take alot of abuse from a relationship. THIS WOULD NOT BE ONE OF THOSE THINGS I WOULD.

It's his problem to fix and not yours. Also if you just "found" this, what else do you not know????? He could being posing as a child online or many other scenarios. Don't be one of those blind people who just never seen the signs.

I am not trying to be harsh on you, it's not your fault,unless you know it and do nothing about it.

Being a child of abuse myself it really makes me mad. These children on his videos are someones kids. Some helpless babies.

10:34 am
January 24, 2006


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

I did a quick check with someone knowlegable on the topic, and unfortunately, if you are a US citizen, you are OBLIGATED to notify the police of this and let them make the determination if any laws were broken. I'm sorry. :-(

3:05 pm
January 24, 2006


lachiclet

New Member

posts -1

In trying to understand my own abuse I found this book:
From Generation to Generation: Understanding Sexual Attraction to Children by Anne Stirling Hastings

extremely useful.

best of luck to both of you
la

8:22 pm
January 24, 2006


skoopdoctaj

New Member

posts -1

Hello. It seems that your boyfriend might actually realize that it is wrong but still pleasing to him.

It is vital that you do sit down with him and talk about. Don't try to make references to link it with his childhood, first see if he brings it up himself. This will ensure you of what the problem is. Try not to yell at him or move too quickly because it will take time to overcome this if it is rotting from his childhood.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

8:24 pm
January 24, 2006


skoopdoctaj

New Member

posts -1

"rotting" sorry I meant to say -rooting-

8:33 pm
January 24, 2006


Guest

posts

Hi anon, are you out there?

I've been wondering how you're doing. Obviously you have stepped into a heavy-duty hornet's nest and I hope you can come here for support as you go through this.

You've gotten some very good advice and reality checks including legal information… I hope you can stay strong and follow through.

Sending good thoughts your way.

10:09 pm
January 24, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

****DISCLAIMER: PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT IN TAKING THIS AND ANY OTHER ADVICE******

skoop,

I respectfully disagree. In my opinion, it is NOT vital that she sit down (anon) and talk about it with her bf. Anon is not a therapist, social worker, or law enforcement officer. BF is a sick, perverted individual who looks at children being victimized by porn.

THIS is SERIOUS. To all of you who have posted on this thread offering a misplaced support for anon to continue a relationship with a bf who looks at child porn and who has a brother who is a known child sex offender, please be careful with your advice. This type of advice can have tragic consequences down the road. It can only lead to disaster for an innocent child. Please re-think your positions AND STRESS TO THAT PERSON YOU ARE OFFERING ADVICE TO, THAT THEY SHOULD EXERCISE CAUTION AND THAT YOU ARE NOT COUNSELORS, THERAPISTS OR LAW ENFORCEMENT INDIVIDUALS.

Anon,

My heart goes out to you. I know in my gut and in my soul the pain it is to have your life ripped apart and destroyed without hope for recovery. I,too, was in denial at first, hoping that therapy would change my ex-husband, hoping that we could still have a life together…..

But in the end, I came to the realization that I could never ever trust leaving my daughters alone with their own father…. even tho' he swore up and down that he would never ever do that again. It hurts still because I was married almost 25 years to this man who was essentially a stranger to me.

It's hard and it hurts. But, I had to do the right thing or I couldn't live with myself. It screwed up my mind to accept that divorce was the only way to FIX things when I had been taught that marriage was forever. But, I gained a tremendous amount of peace and serenity after I filed for divorce and separated from my ex-husband. I respected myself for making a decision and what I believed and still believe was the right thing to do.

It's a terribly hard spot to be in. I am so sorry.

~~bonita

PS Sadly, according to the Child Protective Services social worker that I met, the majority of wives and girlfriends of pedophile perpetrators stay with their men. This is very sad and tragic for their children, who are innocent victims. They become alienated and outcast from their own homes even though they were the victims. On the other hand, the perps are rewarded by staying at home and with their woman and perhaps they may even have access to other children left in the home. Tragic. Truly tragic.

10:27 pm
January 24, 2006


hopeful for change

New Member

posts -1

I agree bonita

11:48 pm
January 24, 2006


skoopdoctaj

New Member

posts -1

i see, you make a good point

12:32 am
January 25, 2006


katarina

New Member

posts -1

You go Bonita! pack and leave tonight. Run!

1:41 am
January 25, 2006


alycia

New Member

posts -1

I don't know how low her self esteem is to feel she has to stay with someone who likes to look at little children naked on the net.

I think about my 8 mth old baby and it makes me ill.. I agree with bonita…

No amount of counselling with change the image that he likes little kids without clothes on…

Its like staying with someone who cheats, how can u trust him? You said u will check the computer in future for kiddie porn. Don't u think u deserve more than that.

Remember no amount of counselling will change the fact he likes children, i like coke, cigarettes, chocolate etc.. I can go to counselling and i will still come home liking them. Counselling won't change my likes and dislikes, they are from within…

Noone has the right to tell someone to end a relationship but to be with a pedophile, he is a pedophile as he is into naked children, may not have touched any yet but i imagine the urge is there…

Get a healthy man, he is very sick and i see you havent come back to check in…

Plz don't do this to yourself cause one day as boni says u will have kids and no way will u trust him with them…….

1:46 am
January 25, 2006


alycia

New Member

posts -1

I re read what u wrote, u really write like u are in denial and thats understandable, we all make excuses for the ones we love.. Of course he is not going to save the porn, he is sly, but not stupid.

A few others have spoke of u being in denial also… Remember no amount of counselling will change a thing, i am sorry to say…. It helps many things like depression, relationship issues, marriages etc etc but not things we like, enjoy etc.. Thats the difference, he enjoys naked children and u deserve a healthy man…

I am sorry if the wording naked children isnt very nice, it isnt .. but its the truth and u are far from the truth because u love him too much that u are prepared to accept it.. Think more of urself and good luck to you………….


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