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26 year-old son cannot keep a job

UserPost

6:02 pm
November 9, 2004


Bop

New Member

posts -1

My son lives with us because he is unemployed and has been for 9 months out of the last year. I want him to get on with his life,but he won't stay employed. My husband and I fight over this all the time. It is ruining our lives. He will not clean his room, when he does have money he thinks he should save it to help himself. So he never contributes to the household. I am sick of him, but my husband and I are afraid of putting him out. What would you do?
Bop

6:08 pm
November 9, 2004


sdesigns

Member

posts 30

Maybe give him a deadline and say he must move ouot by a certain date. He's saving money and that is good, so maybe he has an amount in mind he's saving for and then he can move out. I think for everyone's sake he needs to go because he's an adult now and shouldn't be your burden. Its OK to help him but he's got to help himself too. SD

6:30 pm
November 9, 2004


bkc

New Member

posts -1

I could have been your son. I still can be.

He needs help. He's just like a substance abuser or a batterer. The difference is, instead of doing bad things, he just does nothing. I know the story far too well.

Just like a substance abuser or a batterer, until he understands that he has a problem and asks for help, there's nothing anyone can do. You, your husband, or the two of you together might seek counselling to deal with your own relationship and to develop a better understanding of how you may be able to help your son.

If the only problem he's causing is upsetting you and your husband by not working, then I don't think you should ask him to leave the house. See if you can get him to do some chores.

Now would somebody help me to clean my apartment.

11:05 pm
November 9, 2004


KathyinPain

New Member

posts -1

I'm very familiar with this problem, of the adult child still living at home.

The problem, as I understand it, is one of boundaries – as in, you and your husband don't have any boundaries when it comes to your son, whom you love.

You give him a place to live, food, probably buy clothing and toiletries. He doesn't have to pay for anything, or very little.

The question is: Why on earth, from his perspective, would he want to change? He has it all! You keep giving him everything he wants. Why would he want to stop that gravy train?

My mother and older brother came to loggerheads when he was about 21-22. My brother lived at home, had a job sometimes, and came and went as he pleased. Mom, who worked full-time and had me (I'm 10 years younger than my brother) and my dad. She was also a full-time mother and housewife.

She finally had it with him. She searched ads in the paper and circled some likely places he could live (basement apts, things like that, on the cheap), packed up all his things, gave him $100 and said, "You need to leave now."

He was furious, of course. And, today, about 30 years later, he loves her all the more for it.

She made him stand on his own two feet. At the time he struggled so much. He was having a very hard time keeping a job (partly because of a very bad temper and he never liked to be told what to do), he kept moving from place to place. He became a nomad of sorts.

But he learned from it. After about 4-5 years, he got a good-paying, steady job. He found a good apt in a nice neighborhood. He was able to afford a decent car.

Mom suffered terribly about doing this to her baby boy! She felt awful. But she also knew she had to do it, otherwise he would never grow up.

That's my story of my brother. I will pray for you both, and your son.

Kathy

11:22 pm
November 9, 2004


on my way

New Member

posts -1

Hi Bop, another perspective…well I know what my rother-in-law would say because he told me to do it several times, he would say "throw him out, he will either find his way and be stronger or end up in jail….." Well needless to say, those words are much easier said than done. I have three sons. I am a single mom, and I don't know how my boys turned out so well, but they did. After my divorce, they had so much anger, and it was just pure H! So, we went to counseling and my oldest actually took Paxil for about 2 years for the depression and chemical imbalance. That got him through. He does not need it anymore and has not taken any for about 3 years. My b-in-law says boys understand action, not words. My middle son,now 20, in his sr. year in high school literally stopped…everything. When I tried to talk to him, nothing worked for 6 months. His reasoning was very intersting though when it was all over…he said he was tired of performing for everyone else, doing what everyone else thought he should do, he basically LOST himself and lost sight of who he was and what he wanted…the family's "silent agenda"… I really felt like I had to listen and pay attention, he was in a very uncomfortable place. He is wise enough to work things out and get himself back on track, but during that time he totally shut down. Younger than your son, but it is difficult to know what they are thinking at times.

11:27 pm
November 9, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

What kind of work does he do? Does he have a degree? Was he living on his own before, or has he always lived with you?

Something my Dad said – but keep in mind I'm one of eleven -but when we turned 18, he was essentially asking for your keys or your were signing a rental agreement.

But, he said "you are old enough to make it on your own… and once you leave the doors don't revolve."

We have all been fine.

Trust me, if you give him a time frame – of when he needs to be out, you might be amazed at just how quickly he finds a job.

Z.

12:22 am
November 10, 2004


on my way

New Member

posts -1

Zinnie, sounds like you had a pretty good dad.

12:25 am
November 10, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi OMW – I think he just wanted his house back. Might also be why he remodeled our rooms the minute we moved out :)

11:51 am
November 10, 2004


Bop

New Member

posts -1

My son has moved out on his own at least four times. Every time he lost his job he would eventually lose his apartment. Every single time he got evicted. This last time we intervened and paid 1000.00 to catch up his rent. The next month he moved out and left everything in the apartment. My husband and I had to go clean it up and move out all his furniture. The apartment belonged to our church otherwise we would have just left it all there.
He went to the Navy and made it thru boot camp but ended up being discharged for some mysterious reason after boot camp. It seems he never tells the truth so we do not know what happened.
My fear is that allowing him to continue on this way we will cripple him for life. I know a lot of men that still live with their mamas. He is an absolute slob and I do not want to live with him forever. Now I think I am just so disgusted with him it is difficult to be civil to him which I think may be making things worse. Counseling is out of the question. If he were younger then yes but not at age 26.I am jsut at my wits end with him.
Bop

9:58 pm
November 10, 2004


on my way

New Member

posts -1

I would not be blaming myself if I were in your situation, but I would be wondering WHY isn't my son capable of taking care of himself? When did this start, how long has he been like this, is his perosnality laid back, is he depressed, DOES HE FEEL LIKE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OWE HIM, as is he angry at you both, andthinking unclearly, WHY is he makibg these decisions? Does he talk about it? Is he on drugs do you think? Do you have any other children? Has naything happened in his life over the last few years to make him feel worthless? I don't blame you for feeling like you do, but bottom line is, he is your son, and is doing these things for a reason. You let him back in, and when you do that it is more difficult to put him out. IF he ever leaves again, then you don't let him back in. I don't envy you, and I understand how you feel. Both of my two older boys came home from school this summer, totally unexpected, and moved in with me. But they were here for about 2 months and decided that living with me was irresponsible…a male thing they said. They struggle on their own, but they won't come back home. So the difference….I don't know. Your son needs help. HAve you ever heard of TOUGH LOVE groups? There are some books out there, or maybe they are on the internet, but some towns have these groups, and they help parents who feel helpless, love their kids, but clearly the son or daughter needs to make other decisions for their sake and the parents. I wish you well, I knowthis hurts and is stressful for you both….please let us know what happens ,ok?

11:59 am
November 12, 2004


Bop

New Member

posts -1

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Bop

11:59 am
November 12, 2004


Bop

New Member

posts -1

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Bop

4:43 pm
November 26, 2004


RDeckard

New Member

posts -1

Your son is probably able to take care of himself, but as he has you as a safety net why should he?
I was ousted from home when I was sixteen and moved from L.A. to England, I had no choice in the matter sink or swim. I swam and did not drown. We are not all the same. Some of us can not swim when we leave home, but unless we try we'll never find out. Good luck.


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