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Mixed feelings in our relationship.

UserPost

2:34 pm
January 28, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Hello everyone, 

 

I am a 36 year old man and i am really struggling in my relationship, I have never felt the way I do now and it is tearing me apart, iI am so mixed in my feelings going from true love to resentment. I am the type of person that believes in what people do and not what they say, and yet i am in this situation where actions would indicate 1 thing and she tells me other things. Things have happened in the past which has caused her to loose my trust in her and now expects everything to be the same as before and i am struggling with that. 

 

It is a long story and too much to detail in here for everyone so if someone is interested in chatting please let me know , i really could do with some real life experiances in this situation or some professional advice etc. 

 

Si

5:31 pm
January 28, 2013


onedaythiswillpass

Member

posts 1092

Hard to know what you are trying to say, but once again it sounds like a trust issue.  It seems to be a very prevalent problem in many girl/guy relationships these days.  I think there is an overall issue of mistrust in the entire world as people have lost much of the value of one on one , face to face encounters due to social media, FB, texting, etc.  It's great to have these technological advances, but sometimes we lose the value of what is said online or in a text because true emotion & expression of feeling is something that is detected whole-heartedly by facial expression.

Hope things get better.  My only advice is to try and stay real for yourself.

8:27 pm
January 28, 2013


dop

Member

posts 65

Sorry hear of your situation. With
never fully resolving the issues with her from the past you can’t move forward.
I would imagine that you probably have dwelled on this issue over and over and
have reached the point of where you are today. Without knowing exactly what you
are talking about I can only say that you may need to figure out what terms
would allow you to continue the relationship. What do you need to hear from her
that would satisfy your concerns? An explanation of her behavior or a “I am
sorry for what happened” etc… If there is nothing she can say to change your
view you will need to be realistic with yourself and determine what terms are you
willing to accept in this relationship. Have you sat down with her and discussed
your concerns? The two things you’ll need to move forward will be trust and communication.
Your trust of her will come through her words back by her actions. I think I
know what you are dealing with but without more information I would only be speculating.

 

Dop

8:45 pm
January 28, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Thank you for your replies, 

 

dop you hit the nail right on the head, she has basically lied to me about two men of her past , one which was a friend with benifits and the other one is one she was very flirty with and fancied around the time i met her. She has lied about both of them , the one friend with benifits actually had said to her that she was a MILF ( mother that id like to Fuck ) when our first born child was only 3 days old. her response i feel wasnt appropriate to say close the door on him , instead it was a little flirt etc. She denied it about 5 times before she admitted it , the second guy the one she fanicied and activly tried to fuck had conntacted her and asked her for a cup of coffee and she agreed and i found out about it. I still cannot say 100% that she never did have that cup of coffee with him or not but weather she did or not doesnt matter as it is the fact that she didnt share that with me. She had a colourful past and lower standards and morals than myself. 

 

I know she loves me in her own way but i havent come to terms with it as her explanations just havent made me forget or not think about them. She told me that the friend with benifits is just like that and he didnt mean anythign by it and that is just the way he is, where i feel she shoudl have put him in his place , a text back with a smily and a wink was not appropriate in my opinion. She then told me she agreed to the coffee with the other guy cause she thought it wasnt going to happen so she woudl just keep the peace, that guy is very local and we drive past his house almost everyday. I hve seen mails and texts between those two before i met her and it was clearly more than just a firendship. She had even wrote a message to her best friend telling her that this guy could be the one for her ( this was before she met me ) and then she is planning coffee with him behind my back. 

 

I am not sure what she woudl have to say for me to put this behind me but so far she hasnt i keep coming back to the same place as things now can spark me off and take me back there, our lives now is not very exciting our sex life has decreased dramatically she doesnt seem half as interested as she used to and her efforts to make up for it are almost none exsistant to say the least. I am now at a point where i constantly torture myself , i work away alot and when she doesnt answer her phone etc i start to wonder if she is the same person she was or has she actually changed and i am just being over jelous and she is genuine in her actions , its hard to say and way too many factors that make me feel this way. But what i can say is her words are sweet and she does many sweet things , she is a caring person and the best mum i could think of for my girls, it just isnt the same between us like it used to be i really thought she ws the one for me, she knew well in advance my views on honesty in a relationship and my views on how lies can effect them, this subject was discussed in the first few days we met when we were just having some fun. 

 

Anyway i wont make this too long and boring but thats the basics. Am i totally screwed up to be feeling this way or is it normal , if so what can i do to get past this, should i just call it a day and put my self out of this misery ? 

5:26 am
January 29, 2013


lisacicetti24

New Member

posts 1

I admire you for continually trying to make your relationship work, in my opinion it takes two to make a relationship work, so cliche I know, but thats all it takes, you can't basically make this work by yourself, she has to be onboard as well.

I can understand what you've gone through as I've been in a similar siuation myself, and have now regrefully ended my marriage.. Everything you're going through is normal, all confusion, anger, hurt.. Everything! You need to seek help.. I did and with time and effort I've started picking up the pieces of my life..

5:35 am
January 29, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Hiya Lisa , sorry to hear that it didnt work out for you. So the way i am feeling is quite normal, my fear is that if i walk away from this if i was the one being unreasonable and jelous. But i cant help replaying all this and being confused, I have never been this type of person to be so hung up on someone but she was truely special in so many ways and when she broke my trust in her it just seemed to go down hill and we have had countless discussions on the matter and feel even she is getting fed up of it all. Im tired of the worry and confusion and am now thinking more of leaving than fixing , what makes me try is the hope we can be the same as before and also for my two little girls who are absolutley amazing. If i am the one in the wrong then i dont want to walk away but rather fix it. 

 

I just wish she would be so open and honest , that i could handle it is the lies and the explanations and her actions that dont all tie in together. 

 

Where should i seek help from any advice, theapist or councelor ?

 

Regards

 

Simon

6:39 am
January 29, 2013


dop

Member

posts 65

Before you walk away try counseling. From your perspective you have no idea what
you mean to her. Her actions as you said have clouded this. Her words aren’t
enough to calm your concerns. This can be quite unsettling. We like to know
where we stand with our partners and that mutual respect and trust is there. A counselor would help you both out. Otherwise
you will continue to get angrier and she will continue to defend just by
wanting to protect herself.

Dop

8:32 am
January 29, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Thank you so much for everyones advice , it has helped :)

 

I basically came on here trying to find out if how i am feeling is normal or a over jelous thing, I have never been like this in any of my previous relationships , never had to worry about the other partner etc but for some reason here i am really scared on loosing what we had. We have an amazing family and its all i want for the rest of my life. So thats why i came , is what im feeling normal ? 

 

Regards

8:46 am
January 29, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Also should i be going to a therapist on my own , should she go on her own or do we both go to a councelor together. what do you think is best ?

10:14 am
January 29, 2013


dop

Member

posts 65

I will say you both go. After you have worked through this with her you may feel you want to see a therapist for individual counseling. I think your responce to your situation is normal and as Lisa said it's admirable that you are trying to make this work. With a better understanding of each other I beleive it will.

Dop

10:48 am
January 29, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Thank you for yout time and response , i will contact a local councelor tomorrow and see if i can arrange an appointment. 

Laugh

4:33 pm
January 29, 2013


lisacicetti24

New Member

posts 1

Hi!, I agree with Dop, you both should go.. As long as you're still willing to make things work then you should continue to try, a professional can help you both more rather than trying to patch things up by yourself, it will lead you two nowhere since you're angry and hurt and she's feeling helpless and guilty, things will be explained by your counselor and what your going through is normal.. All those songs about heartbreak? well… SmileWink

5:13 am
January 30, 2013


simplesi

Member

posts 8

Can you recommend anyone we could use online and who would be able to make an appointment quite urgently. I am really at my wits end and cant wait much longer before throwing in the towel, this has been stewing for over 3 years now and enough is enough. I have to move on and stop dwelling on stuff. 

 

We live in the northern part of norway and i am finding it difficult to find someone who can talk english and that has time to see us next week. 

 

Any advice or recommendations are greatly appreciated

3:45 am
January 31, 2013


ShiningLight

Admin

posts 523

You can try the counseling/treatment professional's referral form above (right corner) or call directly our hotline number 1-800-521-7128.

 

Hoping you can overcome with your trust issues soon. It's just a matter of time so don't worry too much. Just like how people in this thread have responded to your story.


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